By Heather Skyler
The push and pull of what teenagers are (and are not) allowed to do can sometimes feel like a battle for parents. But the only way out, as they say, is through, and how you choose to parent through the teenage years will be easier if you start with a plan.
Positive discipline, also sometimes called positive parenting or conscious parenting, is method that puts the focus on both your relationship with your child and on training them to one day take the reins in a responsible way.
“The idea is that you’re raising these little humans to have healthy relationships in their adult life and to learn what healthy relationships look like,” says Lake Forest-based therapist Keira Merkovsky, a proponent of this parenting method. “The difference between positive parenting and traditional parenting is that it’s based on relationship and collaboration as opposed to consequences and punishment.”
Figuring out and writing down your family’s values and having kids think about their own personal values are a key aspect of positive discipline. (For more on this idea, visit the website of Dan Siegel, who does parenting and brain research at UCLA — www.drdansiegel.com.)
“When kids are aware of their values, they are more likely to make value-based decisions when working through things. If they’re not aware of what is important to them, they are more likely to make reactive decisions based on their feelings,” explains Merkovsky.
How might this method work in particular situations? Merkovsky offered some insights and guidance.
Driving somewhere new
What if your 16-year-old daughter wants to drive into Los Angeles with her friend, for example.
One strategy is the problem-solving technique where you sit down together and write down the issue. She wants to go. You are worried and uncertain about her safety. Both parent and teen write down possible solutions. Maybe the parent suggests keeping her location tracker turned on or having her call in every hour, while the teen proposes calling once she arrives, and again before she heads home. Once both of you have written down ideas, it’s time to come to an agreement.
“Everyone has veto power at this stage,” says Merkovsky. “You go down your list and you each get to veto anything on it. Then you look at what’s left and see if there is a solution on which you can both agree. You need to find a solution that feels safe to both the mom and good to the daughter. If you can’t work it out, you can go back and brainstorm more solutions, or, if emotions are running high, you table it until everyone is calm and then try again.”
Applying for colleges
You can use the same technique for this situation, but in this case, it will helpful determine what is realistic, says Merkovsky. “If your teen wants to go to Yale and that’s not feasible financially, then that is not an option that works for everyone. You could sit down as a family and look at all the schools your teenager is interested in. Then take a look at the factors that matter on the parent’s end, such as budget, loans options, distance, etc. See which schools on their list are an option based on your parameters.”
Dating a jerk
Age is a factor for this one, Merkovsky points out, and adds it’s important to act as a consultant rather than being the decision-maker. “You don’t want a conversation about who your daughter is dating to turn into a power struggle. You want her to practice her adulting skills.”
The key here is to guide her back to her values, says Merkovsky. Does the way this boy treats you match with your values and how you want to be treated? Of course, she adds, if a teenager’s safety is ever at risk, the parent must step in.
Underage drinking
While positive parenting doesn’t involve punishment, it does involve boundaries. If boundaries are overstepped, then they are reset with more restrictions.
If your teenager drinks at a party, for example, you might talk through how and why he or she made that decision, but you will also need to let them know that there will be no more parties until you feel confident they have the skills to make safer decisions.
Positive discipline is a constant conversation, says Merkovsky. “It might seem like more work, which it is, initially, but the payoff is worth it: a healthy and connected relationship with your teen, and the knowledge that they are practicing the skills that will serve them well when they are on their own.”
5 criteria for positive discipline
- Is kind and firm at the same time. (Respectful and encouraging)
- Helps children feel a sense of belonging and significance. (Connection)
- Is effective long-term. (Punishment works short term, but has negative long-term results.)
- Teaches valuable social and life skills for good character. (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, accountability, contribution, cooperation)
- Invites children to discover how capable they are and to use their personal power in constructive ways.
